getting close to 36 hours now. i wish i weren’t so emotional. i wish i weren’t such a douchebag. i just want a response at this point. i’m too scared to step out from behind the cowardly comfort of invisible status on skype.
at least this whole thing is making it easier to write about my flaws.
all of my decisions are bad and i never really say what i mean
i’m just a stupid person.
i’m not unhappy.
i’m as happy as the situation allows me to be.
i’m just not as certain as i used to be.
i used to be really certain that you are the love of my life, and then i was certain that you weren’t.
and now i just don’t know.
but i think that being in between is best.
there are two sides warring inside of me
i don’t know which one is how i really feel
and which one is just me pretending
this conversation has been awkward and uncomfortable for both of us
but it had to happen and i’m glad that it did
and overall it’s definitely a good thing.
i get the feeling that you don’t really approve of my choice, but you don’t really want to argue the point, especially since it’s a pretty personal matter.
it wouldn’t have offended me if you had said no. i didn’t expect you to be excited about the idea, but at least you’re ambivalent.
still, i wouldn’t have felt comfortable keeping it from you.
and while i do get that you don’t really like the concept in general, i think you have a misconception about the whole thing. i would correct you, but you specifically said that you didn’t want to know about it, so i’ll just keep mum for now.
despite your lukewarm reaction, i’m very curious about this whole thing.
